I won’t write this in third person. I don’t
even know where it’s going. I just know I
need to write and that it’s not for you; it’s
for me and who knows.

It may benefit some sad meandering soul.

I’m up late and thinking of you, a thing
I don’t do nearly as much as I once did.
Indeed, I never imagined the day would
come when I could accept that we
were not going to be forever.

We are kindred spirits, inside of each
other’s minds and hearts. Of this I am
certain.

What first caught my attention about
you other than your exotic appearance
was that your wings were broken, and
you didn’t try to hide them; you shouted
out your condition for all to hear and feel.
You bore no shame in your vulnerabilities.

Your openness made it safe for me to show
you my broken wings, my battle scars.
I was able to open up in ways I had
never before with friends and relatives.
I wanted to share the intimate details of
my life. We became co-conspirators in
telling each other as much of the truth as
I imagine our souls could bear.

You told me I was beautiful and praised
everything about me.

I miss you.

I penned this in ink first instead of using the
keyboard. I want my soul to flow with the ink
because remembering our beginning is 
soulful.

It was you who dared speak to the queen
without permission. Who knows. it may have
been your matter-of-fact approach, as if I were
known to you before. You were familiar, and
this pulled me out of my stupor.

It didn’t take me long to realize that
you had fresh wounds of unrequited love,
but my wounds, at least I thought, were worse.
My wounds were those of someone who had
given up on love, not so much in anger but
in surrender. Oh sure, I had loved and been
loved, but I was ultimately one of the unlucky in
love. There had not yet been a happily ever after
for me.

But in you, I felt that there might be
a chance for my heart to have a home.

I could tell you didn’t know quite what
to do with my intensity, and so sometimes
you would withdraw. At first, I’d panic, but
over time, I accepted it because you always
returned. And when you did, we’d have 
the most creative conversations, many
of them lasting whole days, sunrise to
sunset, when we were supposed to be doing
something else. We intoxicated one another.

I miss you.

We began to work together creatively, and
it’s not a cliché to say that I felt like the luckiest
girl in the world. Finally, I had someone who
truly related to my insanity. I was insane
and you were insane and it was just fine
with us. We pulled each other through
some dark moments in our lives, and it
genuinely mattered to both of us that we
find our way back into the light.

As we got to know each other, I learned
that you held on too tightly, and I let go too
easily. You taught me how to have courage to
take the journey and how to accept when it’s over.

The love remains, but sometimes we
have to surrender to what’s in front of us.

We had a good run, considering the mess
that we both were and perhaps remain.
I almost said, “You let go first,” but perhaps,
true to form, I let go first. There was
an ebb and flow until finally we were no
more. It was not easy for me to let go of the
dream, and perhaps on some level I still wrestle,
but that has more to do with me than reality.

When I first realized you’d met someone, I had
no idea how I felt. I was sad and glad.

I miss you.

I was sad because surely it was the final nail in
our coffin. I was glad because you’d been
through so much pain, and you are such a kind
person who surely deserves to be happy in love,
even if it means I am unhappy for a time.

You didn’t mention her to me, but there was
already a distance between us. Besides, for
all your courage to survive, you are not
comfortable in such delicate matters of
the heart. I suppose in the end, you are like
most when it comes to shadow emotions,
uncomfortable doing anything–so we
do nothing. Still, she seems lovely inside
and out, and I sincerely wish you the best.

I hope that you will transform each other’s
lives the way I believe we transformed each
other.

Some people we meet have a negligible
impact on our lives, but neither of us is
the same creature after knowing the other.
We can now both use our wings to fly alone
or with others. I am a better, and so are you.  

And for this gift and more, I will forever
hold you in high esteem and love you so. 

I miss you.

-jcv
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